Computers,vampires,priests,and yaoilovers dont mix
by Shadow Heartborn
Summary: Okay,the Hellsing members and two Iscariot members have to take a vacation together to work as a team. What does this have to do with Seras' yaoi obsession? Readfind out. AAxA yaoi


Why Computers, vampires, priests, and yaoi lovers don't mix.

Shadow: Yay! My own Hellsing one-shot! Thank you for the inspiration Malia, love you lots Tiger-girl! )Huggles Malia) Even if Anderson's accent will be a pain in the ass, I'll endure!  
Ryo: This is a testament to the insanity of Shadow and her friends.  
Evangiline: )sweat drop) well…yeah…  
Alucard: This script is crap!  
Alexander: Ah'll ha'e to agree wi' ye on tha' vampire  
Alucard: Well that's one thing we agree on  
Shadow: )smirk) you also agree that the other is hot is hell and you want to ravish/be ravished by them  
Both: )nod absentmindedly then…) HEY! growl, blushing brightly  
Shadow: snicker works every time, okay muses Disclaimer and warnings time! )Runs from the enraged psychopaths)  
Alucard&Anderson: GET BACK HERE SHADOW! )of course Anderson's accent is there but I didn't feel like typing it)  
Ryo: Shadow does not own Hellsing or the characters associated with it. She only owns the basic story plot, which was assisted by our wonderful friend Malia  
Evangiline: Warnings are as follows, Stupid humor, OOCness, crude language (as demonstrated by Alucard and Shadow before), yaoi of course, and a few other things, which have yet to become apparent yet.  
Amelia: and for the love of all that is good and unholy REVIEW.  
Shadow: toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo the fic!  
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God this sucked. Maxwell and Integra had decided that because of an apparent over-activity in the undead community, their organizations would have to temporarily work together to get it under control, and to do that they had forced Alucard, Walter, Anderson, and Seras to come on this God awful 'vacation' to a cabin outside the England/France border.

Alucard had hated the idea from the beginning and sighed angrily as they were driving there. The Hellsing agents were, of course, taking a separate car since Anderson and Maxwell had to drive from Rome. Alucard was still not happy though, far from it. The thought of being with the Judas Priest outside of battle made his skin crawl. 'You're just afraid that your REAL feelings will come out during this trip.' Alucard sighed, he knew that was true but he really needed to learn how to block out his inner monologue, he hated how truthful it was sometimes. He leaned against the car window and sighed, Seras had roped Integra into playing cards while Walter drove so he was bored, plus he had packed his laptop in his coffin that was on the roof of the car with Seras's, so he was both bored out of his skull and forced to listen to his demented inner ramblings.

They got there in only a few hours, making good time since Walter had his coffee and that put him in an exceptionally good mood, which was scary as hell. He and Alucard carried in the bags and coffins easily. Seras and Integra followed happily; obviously they were happy about having this vacation. The two priests would most likely show up in the afternoon and it was still rather early morning.

Alucard dragged his coffin to an upper room on the third floor that overlooked a neighboring village. It was a darker room with drapes and a desk, a bookshelf and was mostly empty. He heard Seras pull her coffin into a lower room to sleep for the day so he was probably going to stay here till early evening, then he's stretch his legs a bit. Until then he could unpack and check his e-mail. Despite being over five hundred, he was well introduced into the world of computers. He unpacked, noticing a few things he questioned packing and dug out his laptop, plugging it into a phone jack, he didn't pay the bills here, what should he care.

He turned it on and snickered lightly to himself, the only proof of his infatuation with the Judas Priest was on this computer. In fact his desktop background was a collage of pictures (rather nice pictures his inner monologue snickered) of the Judas Priest that he had made himself. The Priest's children at the orphanage had put a lot of pictures of the priest up and he had gotten a few action shots of his own, circumstances not withstanding. Photoshop had, however, been a bitch to learn. Alucard almost smiled at the images; the battles he had with Anderson were always the most entertaining; all those stray touches his mind justified as "accidents" on his part gave him a laugh later and often a few interesting dreams.

It was sad and he knew it. He was one of the most powerful vampires in this day and age and he was reduced to a grinning schoolgirl over the Judas Priest! It was truly pathetic but he had gotten used to it by now, his inner monologue was very happy about that so it could be as demented as it wanted now! He sighed and logged in, this would be a looooooooong vacation.

Maxwell was happy that they were taking this trip; he knew Alexander really needed this vacation. Of course it was no easy task getting him to come without tying him up. It was the combined efforts of Heinkel, Yumiko (thank God Yumie chose not to make her opinion known), and himself to convince Father Anderson.

At the moment, Anderson was sitting in the passenger seat, glaring side long at Maxwell. The Scottish man was not happy, not happy at all and that usually lead to bloody results around the undead. Luckily there were no undead with them so Anderson's insanity was kept in check and the priest was confined to glaring.

Maxwell sighed, it wouldn't end well once Alexander and Alucard got wind of what Integra and he were up too. It was actually Seras who had told Integra her suspicions about her 'master' and Maxwell had gotten the same report from Yumiko about Anderson. They talked about it then came Integra's evil idea, Maxwell had agreed to it with his usual snaky smirk.

You see; Seras had begun to notice Alucard's unusual behavior after fights with the priest. Sometimes blushing lightly or licking his lips nervously, licking off blood that really didn't look like his. Seras had told Sir Integra about this giggling. Integra knew how much of a yaoi fan-girl Seras was and had been as a human, so obviously she could tell the signs easily. Integra did like the idea of being able to hold something over Alucard's head.

Yumiko had noticed Anderson coming back from his missions looking lightly confused and looking lightly ruffled. Yumie had been the one to suggest it to Heinkel that Anderson had developed a crush on the vampire and Heinkel had retold the story to Yumiko who giggled and nodded. She told Maxwell giggling the whole time she said anything about it. Maxwell sighed and questioned the sanity of his employees, but he himself had feelings for the Hellsing director, he wasn't insane enough to act on them and Integra wasn't a vampire so he had excuses. When Yumiko finished her story, Integra had called and they came up with this plan.

Now it was all a question of who would get killed first, the thickheaded psychos or their employers.

"We're almost there Anderson, don't worry." Maxwell said, trying to lighten the others homicidal mood. "Ah don' worry abou' anythin' havin' tae do wi' this. Ah jus' wan' tae head back tae the orphanage." Anderson muttered crossing his arms. Maxwell sighed at his stubbornness; it amazed him that Anderson had the patience to be a priest at times like these. "Don't worry about the children, Yumiko has it under control and even pulled out fitted glasses so they don't fall off and wake up Yumie." Maxwell said; he was still in a good mood amazingly. Anderson rolled his eyes, "Ah know Yumiko is more the qualified tae handle the children, but Ah still don' wan' tae do this." Maxwell sighed as they got to the cottage, he could see it in the distance. "Please try to be civil Alexander, we do have to get rid of the current problem, and the best way to do that is to work with the Protestants just this once." Maxwell pleaded, turning pleading green eyes on the older priest. Anderson sighed and muttered, "wha'ever." as they approached the cabin and parked.

Anderson was left carrying the bags, he only had one and a small bag and Maxwell had five suitcases, Alexander wondered what the hell Maxwell needed with five. "Ah, good you're right on time!" Came Walter's voice as he offered to carry a few bags. He took three leaving Anderson with two of Maxwell's bags and his own, good thing he was in great shape.

Walter led them to Maxwell's room on the second floor and they dumped off his stuff. "I'll show Father Anderson to his room, Sir Integra is waiting for you, Father Maxwell in the library." Walter said politely pointing out the direction for Maxwell to go. "See you later then Anderson!" Maxwell said smiling and walked off.

Walter took Anderson up a third staircase. "This is the third floor, there are four rooms up here. Two bedrooms, this center room, and a bathroom. It has a nice view from the balcony out there." Walter said politely, taking the priest into a separate room, "And this is where you'll be staying." It was a nice looking room, a desk that was uncluttered, and a bookshelf full of books, a chest of drawers, and a nice bed with dark green sheets. "Thank ye Walter. It's very kind o' ye tae provide such ae nice room." Anderson said kindly, he would try to be civil at least if it meant the destruction of a few unholy creatures.

Walter had the feeling that once Anderson found out whom he'd be sharing the floor with, he wouldn't be as thankful. "Your quite welcome Father Anderson." He said anyway, soak up the calm before the inevitable storm. "I'll leave you to unpack, dinner is at seven, after the sunset at six thirty. Call if you need anything and feel free to explore the house except the bedrooms." Walter said leaving.

Anderson had a feeling that the butler was trying to avoid something but he didn't really care. He unpacked quickly, only having a few things, and pulled out his laptop. A few of the nuns and the orphanage children had gotten some money from odd jobs and gotten it for him as a birthday present last year. He did appreciate the thought and it did make things a bit easier. He wasn't great with it but he had exceptional skill for a priest. He placed it on the desk and put in his wireless adaptor card.

Believe it or not, the Vatican had set up a wireless internet-work of laptops and computers for their agents to use to stay in contact.

Anderson turned on the laptop and sighed, he had gotten pathetic. Someone had attained a collage background picture of Alucard and sent it to him. He set it as the background and hadn't had the heart to change it. He justified it by saying that the other backgrounds were as well made; his inner, truthful self said it was because he was infatuated with the vampire. He denied it but he did enjoy teasing the vampire. He noticed the way the vampire would blush lightly if he accidentally touched him with his hand and not his bayonets. He knew the vampire had something on his mind all those times and it would be interesting to see how he could tease the vampire outside battle.

Alexander quickly checked his e-mail then turned it off. Nothing new, so he headed out to the balcony Walter had pointed out to watch the sunset quietly.

"You wanted to see me Integra?" Maxwell asked as he entered the library earlier that evening. "Yes, we need to discuss the status of our two…employees." Integra said calmly. "What about them?" Maxwell asked. "What will we do with them if something happens here?" "We'll just have to cope with the idea of them not trying to kill each other I suppose." "You are being terribly calm about all this." "I saw it coming." "Did you now?" "Yes, the tension in their fights looked unbearable." "Doesn't the Vatican look down on this sort of thing?" "Yes but they don't have to find out." "True, but it breaks a commandment." "Confession my dear, that's what confession is for." "It doesn't work if you aren't sorry." "God is always willing to forgive." It continued like this till six thirty.

Alucard had been listening to 'you spin me right round' when he caught a light scent. The Judas Priest was here, the scent of holy incense and blood was unmistakable to him by now.

He checked the clock, it was six-thirty, the police girl would be awake now, and the sun would be setting. He logged off and closed the laptop. He was required to go to dinner even if all he had was blood, Integra wanted to enforce the camaraderie.

He left his room to go downstairs but stopped dead in his tracks. He had turned toward the staircase that faced the balcony. There was Anderson, leaning over the rail, watching the sunset, gray trench coat forgone, a regular black button-up shirt without a priest color being worn. Alucard couldn't help it, he just stared, eyes raking over the Judas Priest and gulping.

Alexander was enjoying the view, despite all his complaining earlier, it was worth it just to see it. It was easier to see here then in Rome or the cities. For the first time in a while, he was calm and serene. Suddenly he got that "being watched" feeling and he turned around to see blood-soaked eyes staring at him appreciatively.

Alucard saw Anderson turn around. He looked for a moment, committing it to memory, then rushed down the stairs. He ran right into the dining room and collapsed in a chair. His little infatuation had gotten much worse it seemed. He felt a need to pass out suddenly but didn't, he'd be overtaken by dreams and cause a racket.

Walter walked in on poor Alucard's little episode. "Alucard, is something the matter?" He asked setting the table. "Nothings wrong Walter, why do you ask?" Alucard said calmly, not matching his facial expression. "Because you were having a spastic attack when I walked in." The butler replied calmly. Alucard gave a small 'heh' and dropped it.

At dinner, Anderson didn't say a word and neither did Alucard. There was an uncomfortable silence between them that everyone noticed. Integra and Maxwell were watching them with interest while Seras chatted away about something called "Yu Yu Hakusho" and how much of a great couple Hiei and Kurama made. Walter paid attention to her, so she wouldn't feel neglected. "Honestly! It's practically canon! All the signs are there! But the more unobvious couples are more fun! Like in Inuyasha, Naraku and Sesshoumaru hate each other but the sexual tension is so obvious. The fan fiction always has them thinking of each other in more ways then one, they're both attractive and usually think of either killing each other or kissing each other. The people that hate each other first make the best fan fiction couples." Seras told him happily. Integra was beginning to think that she should limit Seras's access to the Internet.

Maxwell was noting certain things with pleasure. Anderson would look up sometimes and Alucard would look too then turn away shyly. Maxwell wanted to snicker snakishly or grin. Could Alucard be more obvious? Integra had noticed this too and had a humorous look in her eyes. These two weeks were going to prove…entertaining.

A week had passed since that night and Alucard was getting worse. He and the priest were on relatively civil terms, occasionally talking about a book they've read or reliving a few battles. But this all made things difficult for the vampire, sure it was nice and they rarely fought except when they trained together, but Alucard could have sworn the priest was teasing him. It was a bit unbearable to think of the one time he accidentally walked in on the priest showering. His mind snickered about him thinking it was an accident. Giving a 'yeah right' response.

He was currently in his room, sitting on his coffin and reading when his door was opened. "Hey Alucard, mind if Ah borrow yer laptop for ae minuet? The network adap'er oon mine isn' working and Ah need tae check if Yumiko sent me ahn e-mail." Anderson asked motioning to the computer and walked to the desk. "No, wait, Anderson! I'm sure you could use Seras's computer!" Alucard said jumping in between him and the laptop. "Integra set up ae timer oon her computer and she used up the time alrea'y. I won' be but a minuet." Anderson said moving passed him and sitting down to open the laptop and turn it on.

Alucard did the only thing he could think of to block his view of the screen; he jumped into the small space between the desk and Anderson's legs, which happened to be the priest's lap. He sat there looking nervous as Alexander blinked at him. "Alucard. Wha' are ye doin'?" Anderson asked, eye twitching lightly. "Um…nothing. I was sitting here first." Alucard said. Anderson rolled his eyes. "Stop bein' ae fool, vampire. Ah promise no' tae mess aroun' wi' it." He said irritably, moving around to get a clear view of the screen. Anderson's eyes widened slightly and Alucard hung his head.

So, the vampire had a thing for him apparently. The pictures were very good and the collage was painstakingly put together. He smirked, teasing the vampire would be interesting and it had gotten more effective in the last week.

Okay, that was it, game over man, game over. Anderson saw it, the physical proof! How could he explain this one? HOW GOD DAMNIT? I'm asking you people a question! Never mind, he didn't have to think and worry for very long before he saw the priest looking at him; Alucard hadn't really changed position except for his hanging head. Anderson was smirking at him, that devilish smirk that made his fan-girls flush and squeal.

Anderson thought for a moment then gave his devilish smirk, hard to believe he was a priest. "Now, Alucard, why jus' have ae backgroun' when ye could have the real thin'?" He asked in a whisper.

He hadn't just heard that, that was only what he wanted to hear; it was just his over active imagination and libido. But the way the priest was looking at him, green eyes mirroring his smirk. Alucard knew he was blushing his head off and his inner self was having a party.

Maybe he had misread the signs. From the look on the vampire's face he was sure he had but the blush said otherwise. Anderson was starting to look confused when the vampire suddenly groaned and locked his lips onto the priest's desperately.

Alucard's inner self was cheering him on when he kissed the priest. He barely held in his excited shiver when Alexander wrapped a strong arm around his waist and the other hand wander up to his hair. The vampire had wrapped his arms around Anderson's neck when he deepened the kiss and drew Alucard's tongue out to mimic their battles of the past.

Little did they know that Seras was outside the open door snapping pictures. They were far to into each other to notice the small flashes. Seras wasn't surprised to find her master sitting in Alexander's lap, having his mind blown in a kiss. A few black, white-framed pictures littered the floor as she snapped pictures. The first was starting to develop easily. She snickered as she ran to where Integra was, carrying the pictures with her, accidentally leaving one behind.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!" Alucard screamed a day later. "Wha' happened Alucard?" Alexander asked walking in. Alucard looked paler then usual as he stared at his computer screen. "C-come look at this." He said shakily. Alexander looked at the screen and paled too. Pictures of the two of them, making out, very graphically depicted kisses and zoomed in parts. They were both staring at the screen in horror. They heard laughing come from the doorway and looked. Seras, Maxwell, and Integra were standing there, holding up the pictures with smug looks on their faces. "It's our new yaoi-themed web-page!" Seras said happily. "You two are very photogenic kissers." Maxwell snickered.

Alexander and Alucard looked at each other, then at the people in the doorway. "WE'RE GOING TO KILL YOU!" They shouted and the sounds of gunshots and bayonets being thrown could be heard miles away.

Looks like those two found the spirit of camaraderie, that's for sure. And to think, this started with a Photoshop made computer screen collage.

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Shadow:………God that sucked, that really sucked  
Evangiline: it was funny though, even if it was terribly OOC  
Ryo: Review our sucky one-shot!  
Shadow: Should I do a sequel to this for another pairing? Or just right more AxAA stuff.  
Alucard: )reads over) I feel so violated )twitches)  
All: Ja ne all you wonderful readers!


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